I just wanted to tell you,

I don't know how you do it. You always know when somethings wrong or when I'm in need of someone to talk to. You know exactly what to say at the right moment to make me feel better. Before we go to bed we always tell each other I love you and there's not a time when I leave the house that I don't tell you it. I want you to know that I wouldn't be where I am or nearly as strong as I am without you. We've been through everything together and we've always stuck by each others side. Though we fight, I always know I can count on you. Our older sister may have abandon us, but we stuck together. Just like I hope we will always do. You tell me your secrets, and I tell you mine. When we were little we had nicknames for each other. I was beef-chop-suey and you were MisterSirJeffreyKins. I know I might not tell you or show you enough how much I appreciate you, but I want you to know your my rock. Your what keeps me standing tall and proud. I want to be the perfect role model for you though I've made sooo many mistakes, I'm sorry. But now, I'm on the right track, for you. Whenever I see you at school, both of our faces light up and we give each other a hug to let the other know although I may be a senior and your only a freshman, we will always have someone on our side no matter how many people are against us. At lunch I always make sure you have enough food and make sure you don't need any money and I never fail to steal a cookie that you have reluctantly given up. I'm soo happy I'm able to be here for your freshman year. I know you were nervous, though you wouldn't dare tell anyone but somehow I think you were comforted in the fact that I would be there if you needed me. Next year I have no idea what I'm going to do without you. Who will I have then? I know you will only be a phone call away, and I hope you know I'm always just a phone call away but it just won't be the same. Your growing up so fast, in my mind were both just those little kids. When you tell people your name, you give them the more sophisticated beginning of your name, ditching the childish ending. Its hard to believe your growing up, I just want you to stay little forever. We used to be wild little kids, driving our parents crazy because they never knew what new tactic we could come up with next. On Christmas morning, you were always the first one up then came to wake me up so we could go downstairs together to see all the presents we had, then we'd go wake up mom and dad. And 14 years later you still do this. This is a tradition I never want to change but things unfortunately always do. But were both getting older now. Your my partner in crime, my little buddy, my brother, my best friend, your the one who will always be there for me no matter what. Your Jeffrey. And I love you. More then anything in this world. I hope you never forget that. And in my mind youll always be that little kid. Thanks for everything, JEFF.

Im not crying cause I feel so sorry for you, Im crying for me...

I miss you. I miss everything about you. The way you always had your "favorite chair" anywhere you went. I miss how you always called me a "bone head" or a "pup". You never failed to call me this whenever I did something silly or just because. It's one of the things I'll never forget. Whenever me and my brother would come down to the river, your favorite place on Earth, you were always outside doing something. Your the one that taught me to love the outdoors. You also taught me how to fish, and bought me my first pole, something that I will never throw away no matter how old it gets. You were such a loving husband towards my gramma. Though you guys fought, but what couple doesnt?, you always came back together and set such a good example to your children and grandchildren what love is. My brother and I, were always at your house. One thing I'll never forget Bedtime Stories was one of my favorite movies and you hated. Even when you heard the first few lines of it, you went running for the door. You always complained about how much you hated it and I always told you how much I loved it, though I think I loved the fact that you hated it so much. I even got my brother hooked on it till one day, you told me you had thrown it away. I searched high and low but I couldnt find it anywhere. I'll never forget the first time I ever watched, The Fox and The Hound, it was with you and to this day it still remains my favorite movie. I remember going to one of the houses you guys were rebuilding and 'trying' to help. I'll never forget how you always wore overalls and a button up shirt, and a hat to cover up your curly hair. The hair that I have inheirted from you. I'll never forget going to auctions with you, having to wake up bright and early just so we could get there early. I'll never forget when I spent the night at your house and at 9am I was still sleeping but you yelled up to me, "Hey its already 9 o'clock! The days half over ya Bonehead!" You were always up at the crack of dawn, something that I could never wrap my mind around. You were the type of man to always help out a person in need, no matter what. You were one of the hardest working men I have ever known. I heard you say once, "If you dont work, you dont eat." I never once in my 16 years of being your granddaughter heard you complain about anything. When you got hurt, you toughened up and dealt with it. Although that was good, sometimes I think maybe if you would have just told someone sooner, you might still be here. It was Memorial Day Weekend 2008 and you were down at the river like normal. Apparently, someone had come over to talk to you and noticed you looked yellow. When my grandma came over to see if it was true, she said she couldnt tell if you were or not, but she decided when you got back into town on Tuesday that she would take you to the doctor. While at your doctors appointement you had tests done, you had a blocked bile duct, and you were then diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and there was nothing that could be done. This was a huge shock to everyone. Yes, you were overwieght but you had been trying to become healthier. When my mom told me, I brushed it off. I didnt think it was true, it couldnt have been true. Anyway, my grandma called the Mayo Clinic, which is Minnesota, and you were schedualed for an appointment in June. My mom, Uncle Mike, and their 2 cousins, Lorrie and Donna all went with you and grandma for your first appointment. The doctor told you that your wieght would be a problem for the surgery they wanted to give you so he wanted you to do Chemo radiation instead. You always knew your weight was a problem, but you finally decided to take control of it then, so you could be around for all of us. It took alot of struggle, especially while also undergoing your Chemo, and going back and forth from the Mayo Clinic, only being home on the weekends, but by the end of the summer, you had lost all the weight that you needed to! We were all so happy and so proud of you. You were even proud of yourself, which you had every right to be. The doctors did your surgery in late October. You had a few complications, everything just wanted to heal to quick! Although that was a little bittersweet. You were already thinking about next summer, you wanted to be able to spend time down at the river camping and fishing. All winter you kept losing wieght, soon you were transforming into a brand new you. By April, you were cancer free and I dont think that anyone could be happier. Most people when diagnosed with pancreatic cancer die within 4 months of being diagnosed, but you made it almost an entire year! Everyone was ecstatic that you were better now. All Summer you were able to go camping, we even had a little family reunion and you got to see your sister, Lois, and your brother Harold. Even though you werent sick anymore, you began doing odd jobs for Grandma, ones that she would later appreciate so much. You knew something was up, though you didnt tell anyone, but you wanted to make her life without you as easy as you could possibly make it. When Thanksgiving finally rolled around, you weren't your normal self. We all could tell you didnt feel well though you kept reassuring us you were. Grandma didnt believe you, praise the lord, so she told you to pack a bag and announced that you guys were going back to the Mayo Clinic. The normal 6 hour drive only took Grandma 5 hours that day. When you got there, you had tests done and we found out that your cancer was back, only this time it was in your liver. You stayed up there and got treatments and finally came home on December 14. Although it was almost Christmas, it sure didnt feel like it. All I wanted was for you to get better. I would have given anything, I wasnt ready for you to go yet. No one was. But you were still fighting. You werent ready to give up yet, and neither were we. It was hard when we had to call hospice, but it had to be done. I still remember Decemeber 21st like it was yesterday. I was at my friends house and my mom told me she was going over to your house and asked if I had wanted to come. I told her no, I was with my friends and that I would go over some other time. She told me, you know what Im not going to force you to do anything, but just know that there might not be a tomorrow, this might be it. After I had thought about what my mom said, I decided she was right. I needed to go over there. I think if I wouldnt have gone that night, I never would have forgiven myself. When I got there, I went into the living room where you were laying down in the bed. I came over and sat on the edge and said hello to you and your face lit up when you saw me. You said "hey Suz how are you doing" I told you I was fine and we began talking. I told him I had missed him and that I was sorry. Thats the only part of this story that I havent told yet.

I used to be down at the river every weekend when I was little but after I got into High School, I never went down anymore. I had a boyfriend and friends. I wanted to hang out with them. I wanted to be cool and fit in and I didnt think that camping was. I wasnt there when you first got sick. I wasnt there on Fathers Day to tell you I loved you. I wasnt there in the Emergency Room when you got dizzy and fell. I wasnt there when you told everyone you were cancer free. Hell, I wasnt even there when you announced that you had cancer. I didnt go over once when I found out. I was just never there. And I needed to be. I needed to be there with my family, supporting you, letting you know how much I cared about you, and I wasnt. I was never there. And you needed me to be there. You needed me to show you how much I loved and cared about you. Yeah sure, of course I showed up on the Holidays, but what jerk ditches their family for that. I just want you to know Gramps, I am so sorry for everything. Im sorry I was a selfish jerk. Im sorry I wasnt there for you. Im sorry I chose everyone else over you. Growing up, you were my dad. You taught me and my brother everything that we needed to know. You taught me life lessons without even knowing you did. You set the perfect example for me and all my little cousins. You were the best role model anyone could have and yet I dont even think you knew it. You did what you did because you knew it was the right thing to do. You did what needed to be done, simply because it had to be done. Your house was always open to me. It was my safe haven. And I thank you for creating that for me. Actually I cant thank you enough for doing that for me. I wish I could take everything back. I wish I would have been there, but whats done is done. I just want you to know Im sorry....

After I told you I was sorry for who I had been, remember what you told me? You told me that it was okay, that everyone makes mistakes and all that mattered was that I was there now. I couldnt believe it. You didnt have any idea how much that meant to me hearing you say that, although I still have to live with those choices everyday. You asked me how school was and you told me, Nothing is more important then gettting that diploma, without it, you cant do anything. If you want to make me proud, get your education, and go to college. I would be your first granddaughter going to college, and there is nothing that is going to stand in my way from going. You also told me to find a boy who treats me right, that I dont deserve anything less then the best. And that if someone was treating me badly, that you would take care of them. Well Gramps, I want you to know that I did take your advice. Im done with him. He didnt treat me how you wouldve wanted. I put up with to much crap. I know I didnt deserve it, and I know that even if no one else in my family supported that, you did. While we were talking, you kept closing your eyes, I knew you were tired, I asked if you wanted me to go and you said you wanted me to stay. So I did. I held your hand and studied your face. It was thin now, thinnner then I ever thought it could be. You hadnt shaved in awhile and you could see the graying peach fuzz upon your face. I noticed how even though you went through months of Chemo, you still had a lot of your hair left. I studied your dark, thick eybrows just above the creases in your eyes. I studied every wrinkle you had developed and you suddenly looked way older then you had at Thanksgiving. You were only 70 and it wasnt your time to go yet. You had 8 grandchildren still, and 1 great granddaughter, one who will never be able to know how much of an amazing man you were and it breaks my heart. She will miss out on everything I got to experiance with you. Now who will teach her how to fish?or buy her her first fishing pole?who will be able to call her bonehead?No one will. No one will ever be able to replace you in my life, her life, or anyones life for that matter. Everyone who knew you, you had an impact on. When you stopped resting your eyes, you looked at me and told me that no matter what, you would always be proud of me and that you loved me. You told me you never wanted me to forget those words and trust me, I havent. You finally told me you were ready to sleep and I gave you a hug and you kissed my cheek and said, "I love you pup, dont worry about me, I'll be fine. Just remember what I told you." Those were the last words I ever heard you say. After that day, you began to get worse. My mom and my 2 unlces were over everyday to help Grandma out. We were worried about Christmas. Some wanted to postpone it for your sake, but some wanted to keep it normal for the little kids. I didnt care. All I wanted was for you to be okay. For you to be able to do everything you used to do. On Decemeber 24, Christmas Eve morning, you passed. I remember sitting at the computer and my dad calling me and my brother in to tell us. At first, I didnt believe him. I told him it wasnt funny to joke around about. He even showed me the text from my mom, but I wasnt convinced. I went up to my room and spent the day secluded from everyone until my mom came home. She was trying to be strong, and she told me she was okay, but I knew she wasnt. The next few days were a blur, I dont remember anything except that Christmas somehow happened, but it was at my Uncle Tom's instead of your house. The ony things I remember from Christmas were the pictures people took. All I could think about was you. It was missing something, you. I remember my mom taking me out to go shopping, I had to get 2 black outfits. I remember going to your house, going into the living room, the last place I was with you and looking at all your pictures, trying to pick out the perfect ones. I remember walking into the funeral home, we were the first ones to arrive so Grandma didnt have to walk in alone. I remember the first thing I did was walk in and take the farthest seat facing away from you, in front of the tv where your picutures were playing in a slide show. It was the you I remembered. I didnt want to go up and see some pale, lifeless version of you. I was not going to let that be the last picture in my mind of you. My mom at some point got me to go up there but only to look at the flowers, I kept you blacked from my vision. Please dont be angry at me for not paying my respects, but I couldnt do it. I just couldnt. I remember staying with my Grandma for some of the night, and taking care of my niece so my sister wouldnt have to. I rememeber leaving, wishing I didnt have to come back the next day. I remember the next morning being a blur. I still didnt look at you. But I was silently talking to you in my head. I remember instead of the traditional funeral music, we picked out Hank Williams, your favorite. I remember listening to the song, still not believing this was happeneing. I kept imagining you popping your head up telling us you were still here. I remember driving to your grave site. I remember when I was little, and family passed I usually always rode with you and grandma to the grave site and you would both argue about how differently you would do things. I remember thinking how I wished we could still be back in that time and place, riding with you, not riding to see you. When I finally saw your casket flowers for the first time I remember thinking they were beautiful. I remember getting a special flower, and going to the church for the luncheon. I remember how it was all so strange. It was almost as if it were a horrible dream and I was just waiting to wake up. But I never did. I remember a few months back, I finally summoned up enough strength to go visit you. It was hard. But remember the talk we had? I do. It was nice to eb able to just let everything out to you. Its still strange to me that you arent here though. It was so different to me going to your house and you not being there. I wish I could have done so many more things differently, but I didnt. I've made so many more mistakes since that day, but now I've finally got my life on the right path again. For you. I wish you could still be here to see me graduate, get married, and start a family but I know your going to be watching me and cheering me on from your place in Heaven. There's not a day where you dont cross my mind, and Im sorry I havent been out to see you lately. Im not going to make an excuse because I dont have one. Its just hard to know I cant have you back, no matter how hard I cry or wish for you to be here. Oh guess what? You didnt really throw away Bedtime Stories! You only hid it from me. One day I was at Grnadmas and were looking through the movie case, trying to find home videos, and I found it!! I was sooo happy. I wish I would have been a smarter little kid though and looked in the obvious place...Dont worry about Grandma. Shes doing okay, but Im sure you already knew that. Jeffrey and Josh took good care of her and the camper this summer. I tried to make it down as often as I could. I know it made you happy that we were all there for her, I want this time to be different. I know I cant take back not being there for you, so Im going to do my best to be there for her. She does worry me though, shes got alot of the traits you have, but I just pray she stays in good health. Shes the only grandparent I have left. I dont know what I would do if you both were gone, I can barely handle you being gone and its been 2 years already. I dont understand why God took you away from all of us so soon, I probably never will. But you lived your life well. You had your "second chance" and you did everything you wanted. Im glad you did. Thanksgiving is coming up in a month, I know it seems so far away but its not. And soon after that, it will be Christmas again. I hope everyone realizes how much you never meant for us to fall apart after you passed. I know you wanted us all to get along, not fight. The Holidays are supposed to be happy. Not worrying about who's doing what or when. You wanted us all to stay together, for your sake. And this year i hope we do. You never wanted us to turn our backs on each other, though we might all have different opinions, were all the same. We all have at least one common ground, and thats missing you. I hope this year, we all get together and realize how precious every moment of time is. I hope we all realize that this Thanksgivng or Christmas, could be somebodys last. I hope everything will just turn out for the better, despite what is bound to happen. Either way, I know we'll be making memories in honor of you. I hope your Resting in Peace Gramps. Loving you always and forever remembering.

Love sucks.

What even is this thing we call love?is it really an actual feeling you get when you love someone or is it just a common word as overly used as the word yes?or is it a couples 50 year anniversary?is it when a mother first holds her newborn baby?or maybe it's when you see your grandma crying at her husband of 50 years death?I think love is a big deal.and so many times people take it for granted.I've never experienced any of these yet and sometimes I don't think I ever will.Love is overrated and overcomplicated.and I still have many more years to be able to experience it, but it's irritating when you see so many happy or maybe just people who think there happy in love all around you.right now though, I think I'm okay with just be me, and living for just me.but it's always nice to think you could have someone else who cares about you as much as you care for them..ya know?

Sparks Fly.

"You're the kind of reckless that should send me running, but I kinda that I won't get to far.." It's complicated for me to have such strong feelings toward you. Your the first person I think about when I wake up, and I can't wait for the moment I'll be able to see you at school. The way your face lights up like a little kid in a candy store, and the way you run over to embrace me, lets me know you've missed me just as much as I've missed you. You walk me to all my classes, you right next to me during lunch and you always make sure that I have everything I need before you sit down. You can never leave my site without giving me a hug and a smile with reassurance that you'll be impatiently awaiting the next time were together. You always watch me walk away, when i glance back to see if your still there, you always are, standing there like a little boy with a hug smile plastered on your adorable face. We always hear people whispering, "are they together?" "aww you guys make such a good couple" or the ever famous, "wow you guys both look really happy together" and thats because we are. When I'm with you I forget the world around me. Your always there for me when I need you, and your always there to rescue me from the sticky situations I get myself into. Your the best guy friend that I ever could have imagined to be mine. There's just one problem, her. Every night you complain because she's upset you so badly. All of your friends, your mom, say "she's no good for you" or "you deserve better" and thats just the simple truth, you do deserve better. She makes you feel like your lower then dirt, and boy please believe me , your not. She says if you ever leave her, she'll do something drastic. I say, let her. She brings you down all the time and its so incredibly hard for me to just sit back and watch you take that. You dont deserve to be treated like that, you dont deserve a girl who isnt going to appreciate you for what you are, and more importantly, she doesn't deserve you.I just wish you could see this how everyone else does.I wish I could change your mind and turn this all around, but you won't.and I don't understand why.I want you to know that I don't have to live this way, and that I'm not going to continue living like this for much longer.it's not fair to her, and most importantly it's not fair to me.Just please do me a favor, and figure what you want...

No matter how much we fight, no matter how much you might not want me in your life, your still my sister. And I love you. I always will. There is nothing that can break the bond we have, even if you wish something could. We inevitebly stuck together, nothing can break us apart. Sisters are supposed to be best friends, the only person that you know wont let you down. I wish we could have this kind of relationship, I long to have this realationship with you. Right now you might not want me to be apart of your life, but I hope someday this will change. Just remember, Ill always love you and Ill be right here wating until you change your mind.
Love you forever,
Your sister<3

My Heart's Longing Desire.

I woke up feeling extra unordinary. I needed to get away, to escape this suffocation created by such a small town. I wanted to go to a place unknown; escape the dull streetlights, and endless amounts of cornstalks and enter into a blissful world filled with bright lights, class, where you couldnt find an open field no matter how hard you looked. I wanted to become someone that everyone would recognize no matter where i step foot. I wanted to help make this world a happier place to live in, one where children and adults the same aren’t afraid to live in. I wanted to become one of the most well know, well respected women in society. I wantd to show the world that this small town girl could make it as a big city woman. I wanted so much today, but I fell so short.